Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
