Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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