Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
