after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
