remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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