Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
