he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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