My friends, they love my intelligence
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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