I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
