here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
