her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
