Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
