Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
