What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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