I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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