who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
