I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
