Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
