you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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