"it" just moved
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
