Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
