Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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