i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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