I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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