you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
