You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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