Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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