Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
