I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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