I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
