Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
