I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
