Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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