Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
