Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
