Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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