Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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