Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
