he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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