You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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