2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
