"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
this is an emotional support booty call
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
