i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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