On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
