he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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