Already got asked if we're dating
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
