Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
