Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize