last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
