I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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