i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
not ubering you a puppy
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
