so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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